February is almost over, its been over three months since I last posted. Perhaps it is because I can’t fake the happiness anymore.
The last two years have been an emotional roller coaster and I don’t even know when this ride is going to come to an end. From the anticipation of the “should we have kids NOW or later” conversation, to the hope and excitement of “Yes, birth control is in the trash no going back now”, to the cycle after cycle of negative tests, second guessing everything I do, “Is xyz hurting our chances?” and now to the scheduling of test after test.
Unwillingly, I have turned things into a singular focus and it is taking its toll. Everything revolves around my cycle, regardless of how much I try to push it out of my mind each month.
I feel as if I have become a shadow of who I used to be. Just this person who takes each day as it comes, hoping that I won’t breakdown in the bathroom of a movie theater or in the middle of a lesson at church. I would have never imagined myself in this situation, feeling broken, my soul slowly being ripped away. I miss my old self and I don’t know how to get her back. I can only go one step at a time feebly grasping onto hope that one day things will work out.