This upcoming Friday, I would have been 4 months pregnant. It feels weird to say it out loud. It almost feels like a bad joke or a bad dream and not something that was our reality a few months ago.
It feels as if I am perfectly aware of what our alternate reality would be, I can sense exactly what stage I would be in, how we would be preparing for our bundle of joy, the stresses that would seep into daily life. It hurts to think about the future wondering how it will play out and contrast it to what could have been, especially when we had a concrete timeframe that shattered within a matter of days.
March will roll around and it will be just any other day. March will come and I will be wearing the same pair of pants I have been wearing for the last few years. But in my alternate reality, it would be a completely different March. March would have been full of discomfort, pain and an unbelievable amount no sleep, but it would have been perfect.
I think as a human species we anticipate growth, as uncomfortable as change is, without it, we feel lost or wonder what we are doing wrong to be stuck in whatever rut we are in. And to be forced into a life stage for an indefinite time period is anxiety inducing. We had our ticket out of this phase, and I lost it; pushed back into a boat we no longer wanted to be in.
Part of me wants to forget our alternate reality, and on certain days I bury myself in my work that it is quite easy. But it doesn’t diminish the grief and pain that will come in waves. It doesn’t replace the hole in my heart. But if I forget it feels like I would be turning my back on the little one that we lost.
I will always wonder how our lives would be different if he/she would have been present in our family. I will always keep him (or her) close to my heart, because in its short time with me, it had my heart, so it just seems right that it will forever keep a portion of it.
**We experienced a death, there is no spin to make it better. We are completely capable of seeing the blessings we are given, please do not try to point them out. If there truly is a silver-lining we will have already thought of it, but that will not bring back the life that once was, that will not heal the wounds and memories that this summer created for us.